My Sincerest Apologies

It's late and I should be in bed. However, I drank a Red Bull and now I'm wide awake. So now here we are. Me typing nonsense. Also, I feel like I should apologize for me saying I have too much free time in my address, I really don't have that much free time. That should explain my lack of posts. Anyway, nonsense ahoy.

I got this idea because this really did just happen to me. I dunno why, but all I thought of was an old Kids in the Hall sketch where Dave Foley apologizes for clotheslining a guy from his bike. So with apologies to them...

Dear Guy Who Bought Kotex in Front of Me at the Grocery Store,

I'm sorry I laughed at you at the checkout line. I only laughed because you were making such a production. But you know, it's cool. I have a wife, so I get it, although, she has never made me purchase feminine sanitary needs at midnight because she is smart and purchases these things ahead of time. Also, because she loves me. But, I understand and I wouldn't laugh at you because I have common decency.

But when you stand there and your small talk with the cashier consists of you over-emphasizing how you are out buying maxi pads and flail your arms and say that you're just "doing your bitch a favor," I'm going to giggle a little bit, because you're kind of a tool. I didn't care what you were buying, the cashier didn't care, and quite frankly, you shouldn't care either. But you had to make a big scene and pretend like we gave a shit what was in your hand. I bet you didn't care that I was buying Extra-Strength Alka Seltzer and Michelob Golden Light. And that's a pretty weird couple of things to buy at midnight, so I could've been pretty animated myself.

Oh, and I'm sorry I laughed even harder when you puffed your chest out and told me you were going to "rip my heart out." And I'm sorry I made the cashier laugh when I then said, "Well, good thing you have maxi-pads because then you can stop the bleeding." I wasn't trying to egg you on. Okay, I was, but really you were being pretty stupid. But I didn't want to egg you on because that is not the kind, human thing to do. The kind, human thing to do was to ignore you. Plus, there was a possibility you had a gun. But really dude, threatening me with the same punishment the bad guy from Temple of Doom dished out. Neat.

But yeah, sorry about all that. Hopefully, you weren't waiting too long outside to "put your size 10 in my ass" because I went out the other door.

Sincerely,
Dave Murphy