Buy Something Because the TV Tells Me To, What Am I, Crazy?

This idea actually kept me awake last night. Seriously. My brain can pretty much kiss my ass. Seriously, all night. Also, quick reminder that most of the stuff that I write is fiction. Please don't judge me.

I want to take a second and tell the world that I have solved the economic crisis. If we need people to start spending again, we need to start gearing commercials towards normal people like me. If I worked as an advertising executive, there would be some changes.

I have never bought a box of cereal because a rabbit told me to, although, to be fair, I have bought a rabbit because a box of cereal told me to.

Sure the Sham-wow can clean up spilled wine, but what about stains real people get? Like when your pet racoon knocks over your urine collection? Does the Sham-wow work on that Vince? I mean who spills wine on the carpet?

I have never once had a night on the town with a bunch of young people and drank alcohol. Alcohol is only used to silence the screams that constantly ring out in ones head and as a a good place to put drugs to knock out young Asian women, that is all.

They make those cheeseburgers from McDonald's look so good in the commercials, but did you know they use real cow and not the remains of housepets dug up from the pet cemetary? I bet it doesn't sound so good now.

I will never see another movie again. In the commercials they make The Joker look so normal, but did you know that he's the bad guy? Unreal.

At no point in my life have I ever drank soda, yet they always push it as a drink. Why don't they show what soda is really good for, like cleaning overworked batteries and de-calicfying teeth.

I don't want to know whether a Mac or a PC have more viruses, I want to know which one can hold the most pictures of the corpses I happen to come across.

I guess Catherine Zeta Jones is kind of pretty, but she isn't going to make me buy a cell phone. If they want to get a hot chick to talk me into buying a cell phone, they should've gotten Amy Winehouse or the late Bea Arthur (preferably the late version).

There is a car commercial on some channel every single second, but I havent seen one commercial for a shovel that doesn't break when you hit a mailman in the head with it. It took me four purchases to figure out which shovel was the right one.

Come one, get it together Madison Avenue!